i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
