Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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