she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If I die, sorry about rent.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
