sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
