how hairy? two words: wookie tits
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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