I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
