I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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