we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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