who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Randomize
