There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
