Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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