At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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