I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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