Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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