Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
