do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
