What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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