Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
