i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
