First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
