How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
