Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
