UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
