my phone needs a breathalizer
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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