My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
