i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
