And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
