Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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