You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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