Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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