I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Four minutes until I can fart!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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