dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
