Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We left the knife in your bed.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
