I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
