You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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