If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
