We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼‍♀️
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
