Capitaan dildo arrescate!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
