Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
