my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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