The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
