I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
