Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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