Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
