The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
