My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
