yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
