I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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