im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
