Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
As shirtless as possible
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
