i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
