things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
