I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
